I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
I consider myself to be a pretty fearless being, yet I was asked recently to take an inventory of my fear. What has shaken me up? What has brought me to my knees? What has torn me apart? What has tried to strip me of my faith? What has broken my heart completely open?
I have faced death.
I had a blood infection as an infant and stopped walking. They were not sure if I was going to survive. I recovered miraculously in a few weeks time and learned that miracles happen. I always marveled at energy, so much so, I experienced electrocution as a toddler. I learned to respect the the force of energy. I had asthma as an adolescent. I learned how precious our breath is and that breathing is how we move through this life. I suffered alcohol poisoning as a teen and learned how holding on to pain and suffering is a poison; how the bottled spirits will keep you intoxicated from the truth, healing and transformation. In my twenties I was struck by a car and then hit a dozen more times while my car spiraled across the entire freeway. I walked away with no major physical injuries. I learned I was meant to live.
I experienced rape.
At 16, intoxicated and passed out in a bedroom, I could hear, but I could not move or speak. I heard the door open. I heard whispers. Then laughter. He said, “She’s all mine. This is going to be good. I always wanted to fuck her.” I heard the door close. I felt him climb on the bed. In my mind I was telling him to get the fuck off me. I was trying to move. My body was frozen. The moment I felt him take my clothes off, I left my body, yet I could still hear and feel everything. I knew who it was. At some point I went completely unconscious. Over the years I learned I could heal. I learned to forgive. After 20 years of silence the Universe gave me the opportunity to speak to the one person I should have shared this with then. I was sitting on a bench with my high school boyfriend. He was in town on business and wanted to see me. We had a wonderful dinner and conversation. I felt my heart start to beat fast as I knew it was coming. He was going to ask me. I had been sharing my story over the years as part of my healing process, yet he wanted to know WHO! I looked into his clear blue compassionate eyes. Eyes that I could never lie to. I was not sure what his reaction would be. Do I tell him? This was one of the scariest moments of my life. Then I heard my heart say, “tell him.”
It was his brother.
We were holding hands and I saw the mixed emotions in his face. Tears immediately started to flow out of the corners of his eyes. He had questions, he believed me, but was also in disbelief. I watched him process what I just told him and did not say anything else. He wanted at his brother. I told him, “No, It’s been so long and it’s in the past. What good would it do to confront him now?” We sat embraced for a long time. We talked for a while longer. I learned that in my fear, love is also present. I witnessed compassion and strength.
I lost a child.
I was only a few months pregnant. I woke up in the middle of the night in the most terrible pain you could imagine. I was living a fucking bloody nightmare. I could barely move, my husband was paralyzed in fear and did not know what to do. I felt so alone. I was experiencing life and death in my own womb. At one point in the night, I felt a presence around me and suddenly there was a peace, even in my pain; or maybe I was just numb. I walked around in silence. I moved through my days like a ghost. I went to doctors in disbelief. How did this happen. Why is this happening to me? Countless questions moving through my mind. I spent time grieving and in meditation. I had the support of the women in my family. I learned in the darkest of nights I am never truly alone.
I have moved.
I have moved so much in my life that it progressed from fear to excitement. Facing the unknown, getting out of your comfort zone, having new experiences, meeting new people is what the journey of life is about. We live, learn and grow with new experiences. Many people search for a place to plant their roots and create a foundation for their life. I have found places to plant seeds. I learned to be rooted so deeply in my existence that the foundation of my life was in my experiences and home was truly where my heart was, in myself.
I separated from my husband.
I had known him since I was 17 and we had been together for over 20 years. We had two children and created a life that we thought we wanted. We travelled cross country twice, lived in several states. We had built a life together, but something was wrong. Something was not working anymore despite the countless failed attempts at resuscitating a relationship that was left for dead. My head and heart did not know what was happening, but knew I could not continue to live the way we were living. I was dying a slow death. I felt ever emotion you could imagine. I found solace in writing, reading, escaping into nature when I could. I went to see a shaman. I prayed to the gods, ask the ancestors for support. One day I was driving in my car with my kids in the back seat. I looked at them in the rear view mirror contemplating the current conditions. I knew in my heart what I needed to do but I really wanted a sign. I needed to know what I was feeling what the right thing to do. I had to make a choice, to live or to die. I ask the angels, “Am I suppose to end this marriage?” Seconds later, a car sped from behind me and nearly cut us off as it entered our lane in front of us. He tapped on his break lights to make sure I was paying attention. The license place said, “THE END.”
I learned that some of the hardest decisions are a divine act of love.
I fell in love.
I am a lover. I love everyone, but once in a awhile a connection just stops you in your tracks and has you completely captivated. I first fell in love with his words, then his soul and to this day his words move me like a bow moving across strings, hitting every chord, every note. I reached out to him to complement him on his work and soon we found ourselves in a love affair of poetry and prose coming to life. It scared me to death, our connection, the energy, the hours and hours of intimate exploration. Then I realized what was happening. I was actually coming back to life. It’s not that was I scared of dying in this space, I was scared to be fully free. He held a container to allow me to explore tastes of freedom. The freedom to be me.
I loved again.
I really didn’t want to. I didn’t think I was ready. It took me by surprise. I held a stance of curious observation, but that all disappeared like a cloud of smoke when he held me in his arms. His energy melted the iron bars I held so firmly around my being. I was not going to hurt again, so I was not going to love him. This is what I told myself. The universe had other plans.
More to come.
This is an evolving work and not yet complete.